Fiction Fragment Friday

This week’s story comes to you from Worldcon in Chicago. As always the experience is extremely inspirational. This is inspired by so many things I don’t think I could list them all.

     Being a henchman isn’t as bad as you might think it is.  I mean sure we get beat up a lot and I have had more concussions than a professional wrestler.  The pay is pretty good though when we don’t get caught.  If we are caught the supers never show up to testify and they certainly don’t file all the necessary paperwork.  Even the bottom barrel state assigned public defenders have no problem getting the charges thrown out.  Worst case you do a little time and get three squares a day.  Easy work and if you have half a brain, you keep cash stashed away where they won’t find it. 

     Don’t get me wrong it is dangerous work.  The super villains that hire you don’t care about the cops, but you must.  Unlike the heroes they have no problem shooting you.  Now though we have to worry about the anti-heroes.  Guys that want to think they are heroes, but also have no problem killing you.  One of them shows up you just run.  Worse than them though are the crazies.  The villains that pay you to work for them, but also might kill you themselves if they get bored.  They always get bored.  So, no it’s not safe work, but if you are smart you can mitigate the risks. 

I’m going to let you in on my secrets.  Here are my five rules for surviving being a Henchman.

  1. Stay Anonymous.  Never do anything that makes you stand out from another henchman.  Don’t talk too much, don’t wear unique costumes, and definitely don’t ever speak to the crazies.  Fade into the pack and try your hardest to avoid being noticed.  When all else fails just remember to keep your trap shut. 
  2. Never Take Credit.  Repeat after me, “He made me do it.”  Make sure you have some sob story involving mind control, blackmail, or whatever bullshit you can come up with.  Doesn’t matter just act all innocent and grateful for being freed.  They won’t believe you for a second, but they can’t prove it in court without the hero there testifying. This gets difficult when you do something good.  You will want to shout your successes to the world, but remember you are not the super villain.  You are just a henchman.  If they start thinking of you as someone with potential, then they start paying attention to you.  
  3. New Guys Are Stupid.  This is just a fact.  They don’t know the score yet and you can use that.  If an anti-hero shows up you just gotta yell, “Get’em” and the new guys will run right at them.  Doesn’t matter that you aren’t in charge they follow orders.  While they are doing that you can run the other way.  The boss wants something well you make sure the new guy gives it to him.  If he isn’t happy with what he gets, then he’ll take it out on them and not you. 
  4. Always Have An Escape Route.  Whether it be on a job or in the base always have multiple plans to get away.  When things go bad, and they inevitably will know exactly how you are going to get away.  If you have followed the first three rules you will be so far below the radar that they won’t even notice you are gone.  
  5. Death Traps Are Stupid.  If you get the chance just shoot or stab the hero.  They will escape otherwise.  The boss won’t stick around.  Just tell em the death trap did it and clean up the body.  Make sure they get all the credit for the kill that they would have let slip through their fingers. 

That’s it.  Follow those simple rules and you can survive being a henchman. 

Of course, the more successful you are the more likely you will draw the attention of the IRS.  For that you need to buy my, “Henchman’s Guide to Personal Finance.”  At only $19.99 you are almost committing a crime just buy buying it.  Act now and I’ll throw in, ”Picking a boss for the discerning henchman” at half price.