Fiction Fragment Friday

After a few more serious stories lately I wanted something a bit lighter this week. As frequently happens I sat down to right and did not have inspiration. I then realized that for me sometimes all I need is a good starting line and the rest will just flow. I focused all my creative energy on coming up with that one line and from it you have this story. Enjoy.

                I think my cat might be trying to kill me.  I know that might make me sound paranoid or a little bit delusional.  It is because of how crazy that sounds that I don’t say so lightly.  Most of my evidence might be circumstantial, but I have enough at this point to talk about it.  I’m going to present my case and let you be the judge.  Tell me whether I’m crazy or if my life is truly in danger. 

                The first instance was when I woke up and found her curled up laying on my throat.  All her weight was pressed into me, and it was the gasping for breath that woke me.  She went skittering across the room and hid when I jerked up.  I didn’t think much of it at the time.  Cats sometimes curl up and lay on you while you sleep and that is perfectly normal.  I figured it had to have just been bad luck that she was on my neck and not my chest. 

                The second time I was in the shower.  I was all lathered up and had a bit of soap in my eyes to things were kind of blurry.  I rubbed at them looking down just in time to see her stick her head into the shower and drop a mouse at my feet.  It was not dead and started flopping around in the water.  In panic I jump back completely losing my footing and falling.  It was extremely difficult to get to my bedroom and get dressed before calling someone to come drive me to the hospital.  I had broken my ankle, but I was not going to call someone for help while naked.  Again, at the time I just thought that cats bring you gifts sometimes.  I always thought they brought you their kills, but maybe they sometimes bring you living gifts.     

                The third time I was driving.  I have no idea how she got into my gym bag, but halfway to the gym I suddenly had a cat on my shoulder, walking across my chest, and completely blinding me to the road.  I swerved and slammed on my breaks almost causing a major pile-up on the highway.  I finally got myself calmed down and my heartrate returned to something that I didn’t think was going to kill me.  When I looked over there, she was in the passenger seat.  She was just sitting there licking her paw and rubbing it over her head.  Seeing me watching her she just meowed.      

                The fourth time was when I started to get suspicious.  I was standing at the top of the stairs taking my first step down to the basement.  Out of nowhere she came running full speed and launched herself into the air.  All her weight hit my back for a moment before she bounced off.  Thankfully she doesn’t weigh that much.  It wasn’t enough of an impact to send me tumbling down the stairs, but the shock of it did make me stumble.  I had to grab the railing to stabilize myself and even then, I did manage to twist my knee in the process. Looking around she was no where to be found. 

                I awoke to a cat butthole in my face.  Sure, that wasn’t going to kill me, but it was rude, so I thought it was worth mentioning.  It helps build the case from a behavioral track record.  If she is willing to do that, what other horrible things is she willing to do to me?  That was so not ok.      

                The fifth time was yesterday.  I had left my laptop open when I went to bed.  I know that she likes to climb on the keyboard, but I was just too tired to think properly.  When I got up, I saw that the internet browser was on google.  The phrase in the search bar was, “How to hire an assassin”.   Maybe that could have been some huge fluke of autocomplete, but if so, how did all those tabs full of the sites that were returned end up getting open.  Also, I know I have one click ordering turned on for Amazon, but how did it just happen to open to a 10-pound bag of catnip for her to click purchase on?  Something smells fishy there and it is not the case of tuna that Amazon delivered on Monday.

                This morning I got out of bed and stepped into what felt like a sea of razorblades.  In fact, it was little, tiny plastic pieces that all had the “Lego” logo on them.  When I stepped backwards, I stepped onto a layer of marbles.  If my bed wasn’t there to fall onto it could have been very bad.  The Legos had come from downstairs where all my kits had been knocked of the shelf and scattered.   She had to have dragged the pieces upstairs to create the minefield in my bedroom.  The marbles are a bigger mystery.  I didn’t know that I owned any.  When I checked my Amazon order history a few moments ago I found that I had somehow ordered a 300-piece set two weeks ago.  I’m pretty sure I did not make that order and I know I never opened a box containing them. 

                I looked over at my cat who was sitting on my nightstand meowing for attention.  There was a glass of water I had brought to bed with me sitting right in front of her.  She locked eyes with me and raised a single paw.  “Don’t do it kitty” The paw swiped forward knocking the water glass to the floor.  She turned lifting her hind to display her butthole and then jumped down leaving the room with what I could swear was a satisfied swagger.

                So that is my story.  I’m pretty sure that my cat is trying to kill me, but I could just be crazy.  What do you think?  Also, who are you and how did you get into my living room?  Why do you have a folder labeled target with pictures of me in it?