Fiction Fragment Friday

This week’s story is inspired by a career in Information Technology that started with an internship on a help desk. I love reading stories from other peoples time on help desks because it brings back memories of the crazy calls I fielded. That made this story a particularly enjoyable one to write and I hope a fun read. I was wanting a lite easy read this week and I think I have delivered on that.

  “Technical support what is the nature of the issue you are experiencing today?”

  “Yeah, ma Deathray didn’t kill Captain Immortal.  He just kinda laughed at me.”

  I muted my phone, sighed, and then unmated.  “Sir did you read the fine print on the Deathray when you purchased it?  The Ultra-mega-super-deathray does not function on opponents with immortality.  The ray’s only function is to kill your target so if your target is unkillable it will not function correctly.”

  “Well that’s stupid.  Why ya keep something like that in fine print.  Should be in big letters.  Very least should be in that manual thingy that came with it.”

  “Sir it is in the manual.  Under the sections labeled Target Requirements, product limitations, and F.A.Q.S.”

  “Who reads the blamed manual?  It’s a Deathray.  I’m supposed to just point and pull the trigger and what I aim at dies.  I don’t need a manual for that.”

  I muted my phone again and let out a string of curses.  They were mostly aimed at myself for accepting this job.  “Sir I’m truly sorry that your purchase did not meet your expectations.  The product however is functioning as advertised.  Is there anything else I can help you with at this time?”

  “Yeah what can I buy that actually will kill Captain Immortal?”

  “Sir do you understand the meaning of the word immortal?”  I sighed again.  Hitting mute was just a reflex at this point.  “I’m sorry sir that came out wrong.  Perhaps you would be interested in a banishing bomb, a stasis cage, or the Shoulder Mounted Incorporeal Cannon.  While none of these items would actually kill your target each would effectively prevent them from interfering with your evil schemes.”

  “Oh I done bought that S.M.I.C. thing.  You know how hard it is to aim that thing?  I could barely lift it.”

  “Sir the Shoulder Mounted Incorporeal Cannon has a blast radius of 20 feet.  It should be very easy to aim.”

  “Yeah that was another thing.  When I tried to blast that darned Immortal jackrabbit he just wouldn’t stay still.  He made me turn five of my minions incontinent.”

  “I believe you mean incorporeal sir.”

  “Don’t you go correcting me.  You’re supposing to be giving me Technical support not tryin to be my high school English teacher.  You know she said I’d never amount to anything?”

  “I’m sure you are really showing her sir.”

  “Damned right I am.  First thing I bought from you guys was the Shrinkray.  Got her in a mason jar up on my shelf making her watch all my evil planning.”

  “Uhm sir,  pardon my asking, but did you put air holes in the lid of that jar?  Also how are you providing her with air and water?”

  “What ya mean?  I just shrunk her and put her in the jar.  All she seems to do is sleep though.  I ain’t seen her move since the day I put her in there.  I think she’s tryin ta trick me though.  No she knows how successfully evil I am and just doesn’t want to give me the satisfaction.”

  “Well sir for what it’s worth you are truly a scary individual and I for one would be quaking in my boots if I were to ever meet you in person.”

  “Ah shucks that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

  I hit my mute button.  “I don’t doubt that ya hillbilly jackass.”

  “What was that?”

  I looked down and realized that my mute was not actually on.  “Uhm what I said was I’d recommend the Jarkis 2000 for your Mr. Immortal problem.”

  “Captain Immortal.”

  “Right of course sir.  Your Captain Immortal problem.  The Jarkis 2000 is a transmutation gun in the form factor of our Deathray 10,000.  Since your opponent already has encountered the Deathray they likely will not try to avoid the blast because they will not think it can hurt them.  Instead of killing your target the Jarkis 2000 will transform them into something harmless like an insect or a Poodle.”

  “Oh Poodles ain’t harmless.  Two jobs ago I was robbing this rich guys house and three of those nasty little beasts came right for me.  One of them peed on my leg and when I went to move I slipped and fell.  Hit my head on that marble floor and almost got myself caught.”

  Thankfully the mute button worked this time because I could not keep from laughing.  I finally gathered my composure.  “That is horrible sir.  I suggest if you do order the Jarkis 2000 that you not use the Poodle setting then.  Perhaps stick to the politician setting.  That should ensure your target is completely ineffective.”

  “Alright sign me up for one of those Jackass 2000 guns.  I’d still rather kill him, but if that’s the best you got I suppose it will have to do.”

  “Excellent sir.  Would you like me to charge it to your card on file.”

  “Nah the bank sent me a new card.  Said that my account got compromised and they had to open a new one for me.  I swear someone needs ta do something about all these criminals out there.”

  “It would certainly make my job easier.  Ok sir please hold while I transfer you to our sales department.  Remember they will need some personal information along with your new card number to process your order.”

  “I ain’t stupid.  I know they need my social, account number, and bank password.”

  “Of course sir.  I’m going to transfer you now.”  I hit the button and Dr. Terrifying was officially someone else’s problem.  No way is that guy a real doctor.  I took a hit from my energy drink and answered the next call.

     “Technical Support what is the nature of the issue you are experiencing today?”