Fiction Fragment Friday
This week’s story was inspired by many recent interviews I have been a part of looking for new team members as part of my day job. This is a shorter story, but it was a fun one. I could have made it twice the length but I think it was more fun being short and punchy.
The interviewer sat across the table from the candidate not making eye contact. He sorted through the papers in his hand and methodically set them face down in piles. He picked up his notebook and a pen writing a few items. Finally, the interviewer looked up. “Based on your resume I see that you have previous experience working with the public. How do you handle an irate customer?”
The candidate thought for a minute before replying. “Well, my general approach is to answer in as monotone a voice as possible hiding any and all emotions. If I can repeat the same sentence without adding any further details, I will do that to ensure that my message gets across. I also look for ways to give them additional paperwork to clarify their issue.”
“Is this to avoid conflict and deescalate the situation?”
“Oh no sir, I find that angry customers get more upset if the person they are yelling at doesn’t not give them the reaction they expect. They get more frustrated and feel like repeated answers are condescending. These people are clearly just troubled individuals so the more time I can make them spend with me the less time they can be out there bothering other people who might actually care about being yelled at.”
“I see. How do you handle customers that are in a hurry?”
“Well sir if a customer is in a hurry, they obviously feel that their time is very valuable. If you help them too quickly then they will not see the value of what you are providing. These people need to be delayed the most so they can feel that when they are done, they have truly accomplished something because anything fast is simply a trivial matter and not a worthy use of the time. You can’t have them going away thinking that this wasn’t an important interaction.”
“I must say you have some interesting approaches to customer service. How do you handle apologies and admitting mistakes?”
“Oh, apologies are a very key part of customer service. You can never admit a mistake though. That would call into question the infallibility of yourself or your employer. Apologies should always take that in mind. Never apologize for a process being complicated but instead apologize that the customer found it complicated. That way you are showing empathy but making it clear that they are the problem and not the policy. Let’s face it customers are always the problem. Am I right? Plus, it drives home that you are more intelligent than they are because you do understand the process. That keeps you ahead and leaves them questioning themselves.”
The interviewer continued taking notes and was reaching the end of his first sheet of paper. He picked up the top paper from the second pile in front of him. “Most people would not include illegal activity such as the various henchmen positions you have listed supporting quite honestly the most evil of all super-villains in New York City. Why did you include this and did you have any moral objects to working with evil individuals?”
“I have done jail time for the positions that I included on the resume. I figured it would come out on a background check anyway so I might as well put it out there. I feel that the work I performed showed I can take orders well, handle myself under stressful situations, and operate autonomously with very unclear instructions. As for moral objects I have no concerns as long as an employer is paying me and meets all the agreements made when I sign on. I figure any karmic consequences will come down on them because I’m just doing my job.”
“You are certainly a unique individual and I think I have heard enough at this point. Normally we would complete all the questions and I would tell you to expect a call back from our HR department. In your case though I cannot imagine finding a more perfect candidate.” He stuck out his hand for the candidate to shake. “Mr. Johnson welcome to the Department of Motor Vehicles. I’m sure you will go far.”
The candidate shook his hand. “Thank you, sir. This has been my dream job for quite a while.”
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